Y'all ready for this????

I'm guessing a few months ago, I may have been complaining about the state of the hardwood floors in my living room.  Not even "may have"....I most certainly was.  I even remember posting about.  I was issuing a challenge to The Dairy Farmer....a "throwdown" if you will.  I was making a public display in front of tens of people, in hopes of lighting a fire under his bum so that he would get our floors done.  I seem to remember discussing how slow things can move around here.  I haven't looked it up, but I do believe the date was mid April- the 18th to be exact.  But, I'm not keeping track.  I had told him that the floors needed to be redone before any new piece of furniture entered this house...and we have a new sofa on order. 


In the meantime- we had spring tornadoes, summer droughts, late summer earthquakes and most recently, a hurricane....needless to say, my floors were still in the same state of disrepair.

I went to visit my sister and Boo, my better than sliced bread niece, last week.  We needed a baby fix STAT before the kids started school.  I'm sorry, a toddler fix, I stand corrected.   When I arrived home, I walked in the front door to find my living room in my dining room, kitchen and hallway.

There was a very narrow path through the house, which of course, was blocked by a happy tailed mastiff.  Oh dear.  I DO NOT like surprises.  I also was greeted half heartedly by a very tired, very sore and very cranky Dairy Farmer who said, " I wish you weren't here."  I DO NOT like cranky dairy farmers. 

He had decided late Sunday night to refinish the floors.  After 2 VERY late nights, it wasn't done and I just dumped 2 punks and a tired momma into the middle of a hot mess. 

In the midst of the sanding, he had also done the baseboards, so they were in need of some painting.  I had plans for grand things the following day, but a paint brush was thrust into my hand instead.  While we're at it, let's give a fresh coat to the whole dang room!  Yes....splendid!   Off we went to Lowe's! 

I thought he was cranky about the floors, oh my......he was even crankier about having to paint the next day!  But, we got r done......and as the sun set on our shiny, new floor and our lovely white baseboards and our freshly coated walls.....the heavens opened and the angels sang!  What a sight to behold! 

Isn't it grand?  The DF did this on his hands and knees applying each coat of polyurethane with a 6 inch paint brush.  It was a lot of work, but cheaper than hiring someone.  And, The DF does enjoy saving some green.  I am pretty sure after 4 days of this, he isn't going to quit his day job.   Excellent work, DF.....you may cross that off your to do list.  Now, the dining room floor looks so dull.......




before



after



Want to hear something ironic?  That sofa that we ordered in mid April?  They told us it would be about 14 weeks for us to get it.....perfect......it may just take that long to get these floors done!  Well, the store called on Wed......just as The DF was apply the last coat of stain!  It is due to arrive at the store on Thursday!  The Dairy Farmer does his best work under pressure!



Read more...

Real time on the farm

Right now:
 1) there is a burping, farting mastiff asleep in my living room (mastiffs are like that)

2) there is a snoring 10 yr old punk sacked out on my couch (cub scout camp will do that to you)

3) that ridiculously obstinate calf is continuing to bawl....all stinkin' afternoon.  She is hoarse and her moo now sounds like a croak.  This is day 4 of her shenanigans (it's hard realizing you have to grow up)

4) 48 dump trucks (or, perhaps 2)  are running up and down my driveway make all kinds of racket.  They are hauling corn....in August.  We don't like to chop corn this early....it's not a good thing  (a drought will do that to you)

5)  calgon....take me away. 

Read more...

Mystery Solved

At any given time, there are at least 6 pairs of muck boots on my back porch.  They vary in type, size and ...smell.   One of the pairs belongs to me.  When I take my boots off...they are placed in a particular spot....side by side. Not because I'm anal or anything...but because....well......I'm anal.


Now that 3 of us in this family of four are wearing darn near the same size shoe, I tend to put mine where I know they will be.  I want to know, when I come flying out the back door at the speed of light, ready to jump into my work, that my boots are right there.....ready to go.  Much like a fireman (fire person?) when he slides down that pole, ready to respond to a raging fire, ready to save lives, ready to risk it all....he wants his boots right where he left them.  Yeah- it's EXACTLY like that.


Over the past few days, my boots are strewn about.  I don't like that.  I blamed the punks, because, as I mentioned before, we wear the same size shoes now.  And, as I mentioned before, ONE of us likes to place her boots neatly where they belong.  Others in this family do not....boots are laying all over the place.  I figured, in their sheer laziness....they don't want to go on a boot hunt, so they take mine. 


So, this morning, I go out to work at the butt crack of dawn and dag gone....I have one boot!  Now, I'm mad.  What is the deal?  I look around....not to be found.  There is ONE boot on the back porch and both punks are still in the house?  What the heck?


I step out the back door and what do I see but this:

It's Jack and he's lovingly, gently, ever so sweetly, licking the crap off my boots!  Mystery solved.   He's sneaky pete......slipping in the back door, grabbing my boots and having himself a nice little mid morning snack.  

Here are 2 things to remember when you visit me and my farm:  1) watch where you put your boots and 2) don't let my dog kiss you on the lips.

Read more...

The Dairy Farmer- unplugged

We just returned from vacation on Saturday.  We decided to try something a little different and instead of a beach locale, we chose to rent a lake house and see how we liked it.   I'd say we liked it just fine.   The kids got to tube, kneeboard, fish, swim and basically soak up so much water, we had to come home.....just to dry out. 

Here comes The Dairy Farmer.....

There are few times when my guy gets to decompress....detox.......destress.   And that is when he's boating or when he's skiing.  He still has a cell phone attached to his hip 24-7 and it goes off (a lot).  He still has issues that arise and he deals with them from where ever he is....be it on the side of a windy mountain road, the middle of a lake or perched on a ski lift in the mid west.

Last week,  for a brief window of time, he was allowed to pretend that it wasn't obnoxiously hot and that his corn wasn't withering up and dying.  The frown lines disappeared and he was allowed to smile.....just for a little bit. 



Read more...

It's hot.....

 ....and that's an understatement.  July is here and someone turned the thermostat up.  Way up.  We can do heat, but what we can't do is dry.  We would like some rain, please.  Our corns would like a drink.   We are buckling down here on the farm- praying hard for rain and trying to keep our cows and our dairy farmer cool.    

 It reminds me of Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam, when he's interviewing "Roosevelt"......so I shall leave you with this.....cuz that's kinda how we feel: "What's the weather like out there? "It's hot! Damn hot! Real hot! Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking." Well, tell me what it feels like. "Fool, it's hot! I told you again! Were you born on the sun? It's damn hot! It's so damn hot, I saw little guys, their orange robes burst into flames. It's that hot! Do you know what I'm talking about?" What do you think it's going to be like tonight? "It's gonna be hot and wet! That's nice if you're with a lady, but ain't no good if you're in the jungle!"  

 I think right about now......hot and wet sounds pretty good.

Read more...

Fill 'er up!

Like I said before....most of the spring is spent getting ready for summer and most of the summer is spent getting ready for winter.  It's a never ending cycle on a dairy farm (or any farm for that matter).  Always seems like we are trying to stay one step ahead of momma nature....

This is my view.  It's calves and corn.....corn and calves......both of them are everywhere!  All that corn will be chopped up into corn silage to feed our ladies during the winter months.  Our corn is very thirsty.  It would really like to have some rain. 

Our hay shed is full......of straw.  I know....just doesn't seem right to keep your straw in your hay shed, does it?  But, that's The Dairy Farmer for ya.....he's always been a rebel.  These are large square bales.  I don't know actual dimensions, but I can tell you.....they are big.....HUGE.

Now these.....these here are......well......I'll let you guess:

<insert jeopardy theme music here>

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Did you guess round bales?  You did????  Well, never let it be said that my farm following friends ain't got the smarts!  These are round bales of.......yes, you are correct again.....straw, I think.  It could be hay.  I don't know.  I think it's straw though.  Or, it could be that I do not know of what I speak.   

These are big square bales again, but of a different substance.  This is corn fodder- it's what's left after they chop the corn. It's mostly stalk.  All the fodder and the straw are used as bedding for our cows, calves, horses and chickens.  

 Remember, The Dairy Farmer says: cow comfort is key.  He likes to see them laying down and chewing cud!   And I know you all know what a cud is, right?  You better say yes, I spent of lot of time trying to edumacate you people.

This is cow feed.  I am not sure what is underneath- could be chopped up alfalfa or chopped up corn.....in DF terms....that's haylage or corn silage. 

 It is packed in the bunk silo by tractor- compressed as best we can and covered with plastic.  This allows it to ferment- much like sauerkraut.  Kinda smells like it too.  That prevents it from spoiling.    Now, I have it straight from The Dairy Farmer that "covering trench" is one of the worst jobs here on the farm.  He wants Mike Rowe to come out and help him some day. 

 I think it requires a lot of physical exertion and it may require you to sweat and therefore.....you will not ever find me "covering trench."  I am usually sick that day.

Oh heavens....we ran out of room in the hay shed and had to put things in this shed.  I am not sure what this shed is, but I shall call it the wagon shed.  This poor shed is stuffed full, it's got round bales coming out its front end and its back end.

And of course.....we have small square bales.....and this is straw, I just KNOW it.   So, there you have it.   Just like little squirrels burying their nuts for the winter......so are are the days of our lives.

Read more...

Swamp Obsession

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but Jr Edition is a lego junkie.  A few days ago, he was locked in his room creating.  When he shuts the door.....he means business. 

He has been dying for me to blog about his latest creation......and here it is:

Why this here.....this here is RJ and Jay Paul.....and if you don't know who these bad boys are, well.....then you haven't been exposed to Swamp People.  

Jr follows in his daddy's footsteps with his penchant for all things History Channel (or Discovery...can't forget about Discovery)  If you checked our DVR queue.....you'll find Deadliest Catch, Mythbusters, Ax Men, Ice Road Truckers and the list goes on and on.  Apparently, there is an obsession with swamp type stuff these days and Jr is often found watching Swamp People, Swamp Loggers, Swamp Brothers.....the swampier the better.

So, RJ (who is the dad) and Jay Paul (the son) live way down in the Louisiana (pronounced Lews-e-anna) bayou and dem boys hunt dem gatas.   I find it terribly amusing that these here fellas are from my own cuntry.....yet, the show is complete with subtitles, cuz I'll be damned if you can understand what they are saying.  It's a combination of english/french-ish and cajunese......combine that with the fact that they have about 3 teeth between all of them, well......you need the subtitles.

Here they are in real life:

Now......if you've watched the show, you know that these.....well.....they are the hot ones.  They make everyone else look like dey been hit wit da ugly stick.  I do believe they are more native american than they are cajun?  But, don't quote me.   I do know that they hunt gators for a living.    See.........

Dem boys got demselves a gata on da line!  If you read this post with Kathy Bates' accent in Waterboy, it will help immensely.    Dem boys ride around in dere swamp buggy (you know, those boats with the huge fan on the back)  and dey lays traps for da gatas.

Dis trap is basically a big hook with da meat on it.    Da hook is tied to a big rope and once dey catch dem a gata...dey haul his big, writhing body up to da surface.....by dis time.....dat gata is pretty pissed.     Jay Paul is equipped wit a gun (you can see it above) and he shoots dat gata in da head.  Now, the episode I watched showed one of them shooting his own boy.  Apparently, you have to hit them just right, or the ricochet can git your boy.  It was all good, cuz dey went home and dat boy's momma cut dat bullet out o his eye wit a steak knife.   

Den,  dey put him in da boat, duct tape hiz mouf shut (just in case....apparently those gators like to play possum) and off dey go to da next gata hole.  

Here is the boat from the back.  Now, Jay Paul really doesn't have blue hair, he kinda has no hair.  And RJ, well......homie has a rat tail that is about 5 feet long.  I often wonder to myself, if I was the one catching gators in the bayou......I'll be dag gone if I'd have a 5 foot rat tail hanging down......I would keep all my personal bits inside the boat at all times.

In case you haven't caught wind of this show......here's what you're missing:

I sure hope he's talking about a squatch.....cuz nothing would excite my family more than if Animal Planet and History Channel teamed up and produced Finding Swamp Foot. Queue the DVR, honey!

Read more...