A Hole

There is a 120 pound hole in my heart today.

After a very quick, yet aggressive battle with cancer, my best friend lost her life last night.   She was in our backyard with The Dairy Farmer and myself.  It was a lovely summer evening, especially for June.  We spent 2 hours with her....saying our goodbyes.  She was having pain and discomfort, not really eating and having trouble getting up and down.  It was time.  I knew it and she knew it, but it never makes that gut wrenching, heart breaking decision any easier.  Our vet came to our house and she passed away very peacefully in my arms in the same place we lost our Nittany so many years ago. 

I have loved every one of my dogs, but, sometimes.....there is that ONE.  That one that knows you inside and out....and loves you anyway.  That one that knows your thoughts before you think them.  That one that connects with your heart and soul.  I have had two in my life.....and they both found me through strange circumstances.   I highly recommend that you read  "A Dog's Purpose."  A friend loaned it to me and I read it and fell in love.  I was told once by a dog trainer, who may have been a little pet psychic, that our dogs always find us again.   And....now....I believe it.

Abby came into our lives as a rescue.  She was kept in a basement for over a year.  They claimed that she killed their other dog.....dead......that's right, a weimaraner....she killed it.....so they said.     The owner fed her and let her outside to use the bathroom, but she had no socialization for a long time.  Our boarding kennel contacted The Dairy Farmer one day and said they had a special case, were we intersted?   


We had Jack and as a pup, he drove us nuts!  He was 150lbs of hyper!   We had hoped another dog would "calm him down."  But our searches never went anywhere.....always a dead end.  We wanted another big dog, but didn't want that puppy stage again.

The afternoon before the call came.....we had both decided, we were done.  No more dogs.  Jack was settling down and our life was just right.   And, if we did get another....The DF said NO MORE BIG DOGS!!!   It was a Tuesday night and The DF picked us up at girl scouts and headed home.....in the wrong direction.  He took us right to the boarding kennel and said "we have to see."   

This gorgeous black and white Great Dane came down the hallway....thin.....scared....tail tucked about as far under as it could go.  She came to me immediately and sniffed my face all over.....eyes, mouth, ears, hair.......and did the same to The Dairy Farmer.   I looked in to her eyes......and knew she had to come home with us.

She passed all my "tests"....with kids, cats and even Jack.  He submissively rolled over and that's how it's been for the past 3 years.  She arrived the day before Thanksgiving in 2007....and fit into our house like she belonged.   We took her everywhere with us....socialization is key.   We had her at one of Jr Edition's baseball games and she was in heaven when all the kids would crowd around her, lovin' up on the "giant dalmation."   She was something special and by June of the next year, she was a certified therapy dog.   She shared her specialness with many.  It's not often a "giant dalmation" or a "why, that's a cow" shows up in a nursing home.  They loved her.

I know that God sent her to me for a reason.  She just had to have a crappy beginning to find us.  You see, I have nursing home phobia.  I can't stand the smells, the sounds, the knowing that death hangs around there.  I have missed many grandparents passing due to that fact.  I can go in early....before they are "actively dying"....say hey and make a beeline out of that joint.   My favorite Aunt Rose was trying to die at Providence Place years ago (I say trying, because it seems my mom's side of the family keeps their wits about them until the bitter end).  Their brains are with it....their bodies just give out.   I couldn't get myself to go see her.   I'd have anxiety attacks just thinking about it.  One day, I got it together.....I HAVE to do this.  She was one fun aunt and I owed it to her.  I walked in the door and the receptionist said "didn't anyone call you?"  She had died that night and I never said goodbye.   Damn......

This dog came into my life and I knew that she and I were destined to do therapy work.  It was hard at first.....I had anxiety going in those places....and especially into Providence Place, but we did it.  And I might have missed saying goodbye to my Aunt Rose, but we said goodbye to lots of other people.  It's not easy....but the smiles on their faces when this huge black and white dane entered their room.....just to see them.....well.....it was worth it. 

I know what we did for her was a selfless act.  We allowed her to die with the grace and dignity she deserved.  She did not have to suffer long.  As one of my vet tech friends said....it's a gift we give them.  They give us everything they have.....they love us through the good, the bad and the ugly.....and making the decision to let them go is never easy....but it's a thank you.  I think your face should be the last face they see and your voice, the last voice they hear.  It's awful, it's hard and it sucks, but they would do it for you......no questions asked.

Thank you, Abigail Jenkins for blessing my life. 

I will leave you with this poem:

The Rainbow Bridge

inspired by a Norse legend

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,

Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.

Where the friends of man and woman do run,

When their time on earth is over and done.

For here, between this world and the next,

Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.

On this golden land, they wait and they play,

Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,

For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.

Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,

Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass, without even a care,

Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.

All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,

Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met;

Together again, both person and pet.

So they run to each other, these friends from long past,

The time of their parting is over at last.

The sadness they felt while they were apart,

Has turned into joy once more in each heart.

They embrace with a love that will last forever,

And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

When I worked in the vet's office, we would include this poem in a sympathy card when our clients lost their pet.  All I know is, if it's real......when I get to Rainbow Bridge, I better brace myself for about 500 pounds of dog coming at me!

Abigail Jenkins Brechbill

January 22, 2005- June 29, 2011

I will always love you, momma.